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January 26, 2010

{     CRATE: February '10     }    


The top twelve tracks gettin' pulled out the crates at CrownDozen this month, in alpha order, plus a few more for good measure! All links go to Mediafire-hosted MP3s...

Charlotte Gainsbourg "Looking Glass Blues"
Cold Cave "The Trees Grew Emotions and Died"
Damian Marley & Nas "As We Enter"
Florence & The Machine "Addicted to Love"
Four Tet "Angel Echoes"
Gucci Mane "Lemonade"
Hidden Cat "Shooting Stars (Bag Raiders Cover)"
Hot Chip "Alley Cats"
Jay Reatard "All Wasted"
jj "My Way (ft. Lil Wayne)"
Lindstrøm & Christabelle "Lovesick"
Nicki Minaj "Saxon (prod. by Chase & Status)"
Phantogram "As Far As I Can See"
Private "My Secret Lover (Diplo Remix)"
Sleigh Bells "Ring Ring"
Surfer Blood "Anchorage"
Thee Oh Sees "Rainbow"
Toro Y Moi "Blessa"
Twin Sister "I Want a House"
Yeasayer "ONE"

All 20 tracks, one zip file. (Mediafire)

{     "Dizzy" Lizzy Rachtman's Top 12 Metal Releases of 2009.     }    


"I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth."
-Revelations 6:8.

1. Baroness "Blue Record"
2. Shrinebuilder "Shrinebuilder"
3. Agoraphobic Nosebleed "Agorapocalypse"
4. YOB "The Great Cessation"
5. Cobalt "Gin"
6. Converge "Axe to Fall"
7. Dethklok "Deth Album 2"
8. Pestilence "Resurrection Macabre"
9. Cattle Decapitation "Harvest Floor"
10. Vader "Necropolis"
11. Nile "Those Whom the Gods Detest"
12. Slayer "World Painted Blood"

Read on »

January 4, 2009

{     "Dizzy" Lizzy Rachtman's Top 12 Metal Releases of 2008.     }    


All hail the coming of what you will have thought is great in the world of and year in Trvth: 2008.

1. Cannibal Corpse "Centuries of Torment" DVD
2. Cult of Luna "Eternal Kingdom"
3. Gojira "The Way of All Flesh"
4. Meshuggah "Obzen"
5. Bloodbath "The Fathomless Mastery"
6. Made Out Of Babies "The Ruiner"
7. Genghis Tron "Board Up the House"
8. Zimmer's Hole "While You Were Shouting At The Devil, We Were in League With Satan."
9. Testament "The Formation of Damnation"
10. The Sword " Gods of the Earth"
11. Opeth "Watershed"
12. Hate Eternal "Fury and Flames"

Read on »

By Aaron in Twelves

October 6, 2008

{     Top Twelve Hooker Flicks     }    

Fuck Pretty Woman.

1. Midnight Cowboy
2. Nights of Cabiria
3. Whore
4. My Own Private Idaho
5. My Life to Live
6. Belle de Jour
7. Naked Kiss
8. Dolemite
9. Trash
10. Willie Dynamite
11. Taxi Driver
12. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

September 8, 2008

{     Twelve Sexually Dubious Video Game Titles     }    

12. Evil Dead: A Fistful of Boomstick (ps2)
11. Ball Breakers (ps)
10. Tang Tang (gba)
9. Dirt Jockey (ps)
8. Barbie Horse Adventures (ps2)
7. Monkey Magic (ps)
6. Whacked! (xbox)
5. Irritating Stick (ps)
4. Mary Kate & Ashley: Sweet 16 (ps2)
3. Mr. Driller (ps)
2. Manhunt (ps2)
1. Tube Slider (gc)

{     I LOVE The Asylum     }    

Before Be Kind, Rewind there was already a group of fantastically talented and whimsically imaginative filmmakers braving the world of post-modern re-interpretation. They're called The Asylum, and if you haven't seen their work yet, it may be because you're not borderline mentally retarded.

12. High School The Musical :: Sunday School Musical
Just as gay as the original, only way more... Christian? Wait, don't they hate the gay? Hypocrisy aside, this one wins for Most Bestest Ripped-Off Font and Most Lispiest Trailer.

11. Eragon :: Dragon
Dude, they totally changed one letter in the title! Winner of the "Did Somebody Draw That Dragon With Crayons Award" for best Dragon CGI in a dragon-based dragon movie.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean :: Pirates of Treasure Island
A surprising number of The Asylum's films star Lance Henriksen. This beast wins for Most Awesome Performance by Lance Henriksen in a Role Originally Made Famous by Johnny Depp.

9. The Da Vinci Code :: The Da Vinci Treasure
You guessed it, winner of the Most Awesome Performance by Lance Henriksen in a Role Originally Made Completely Boring by Tom Hanks.

8. The Fast and the Furious :: Street Racer
I'm assuming this is The Asylum's most successful film to date, simply because anybody who's dumb enough to enjoy the original Fast and Furious really isn't capable of discriminating against this third-rate knockoff. Winner of the Most Literal Title award.

7. Cloverfield :: Monster
Faux-reality "found footage" is SO hot right now! This baby gets the Balls As Big As Godzilla's award for setting the film in Tokyo, the OG home of giant-monster movies. Even JJ Abrams knew better than to go there....

6. The Exorcism of Emily Rose :: Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers
Wait, isn't that like naming your movie Awakening: The Sleepening of T.J. O'Pootertoot? This movie wins a $5 Applebee's gift card.

5. Death Race :: Death Racers
Really? Wow. So you made it... plural? Death Racers wins the Best Use of Insane Clown Posse Since That Stupid Bitch Had a Juggalo Funeral For Her Newborn Award.

4. Transformers :: Transmorphers
Unfortunately, Transmorphers does NOT follow the adventures of Optimum Pryme and his courageous band of transmorphing Autoborgs as they attempt to keep the Earth safe from the clutches of the evil Magmatron and his horde of Deceptobot minions. Earning this the Most Promised, Least Delivered award.

3. I Am Legend :: I Am Omega
Fuck it, there's no way this isn't better than I Am Legend. It automatically gets the "At Least It Doesn't Star Will Smith" nod.

2. Snakes on a Plane :: Snakes on a Train
Arguably the most well-known of The Asylum's mockbusters, this was also one of the only films released in 2006 that didn't star Samuel L. Jackson. Winner of a homemade t-shirt with the phrase "Where the Fuck is My Snakes on a Boat?" hand-lettered in Sharpie.

1. AVP: Alien Vs. Predator Requiem :: AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter
If only The Asylum had gotten Lance Henriksen to star in their rip-off version of the sequel to a film which originally starred Lance Henriksen, we might have been able to tear open a rift in the fabric of logic and reason itself. Instead they got William Katt, the Greatest American Hero, which only slightly bruised the fabric of logic and reason. This wins for Best Use of a Thesaurus to Avoid Getting Sued.

March 5, 2008

{     12 Stupid Blunt Wrap Flavors     }    

12. Maple Syrup
11. Mojito
10. Banana Split
9. Kristal
8. Cotton Candy
7. Sizzurp
6. Apple Brown Betty
5. White Russian / Black Russian
4. Peanut Butter
3. Peanut Butter & Jelly
2. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
1. Lychee

Honorable Mention (These are more "flavas" than "flavors"):
Urban Assault
...and for my dudes Chris and Chris down at University Liquor:
Wet Mango

December 30, 2007

{     12 Types of Nipples     }    

1) Bologna
2) Silver Dollars
3) Pepperoni ('Ronis)
4) Blind Pigs
5) Bubble Gum
6) Muffin Tops (aka Smurf Houses)
7) Puffles
8) Dipples
9) Pencil Erasers
.....a) Tart 'N Tinys
.....b) Lincoln Logs (aka Hot Dogs)
10) Candy Buttons
11) Fade-outs (aka Ghosts)
12) Crunchberries

Click "read on" for descriptions of each.

Read on »

{     Wrap It Up: Music in 2K7     }    

2K7 was a pretty hit or miss year for me music-wise. It was either "OMG I'm in love" or "nothing has come out in months I like at all". I found myself listening to far more music containing lyricists and thought and far less grillz, hoez, and blips & beeps...perhaps I'm just getting old. With no further adieu, my list of the best albums of 2007.

1. M.I.A. - Kala
2. Feist - The Reminder
3. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
4. Jay-Z. - American Gangster Soundtrack
5. Jay-Jay Johanson - The Long Term Physical Effects Are Not Yet Known
6. LCD Soundsystem - The Sound of Silver
7. Beirut - The Flying Club Cup
8. UGK - Underground Kings
9. Mark Ronson - Version
10. Chromeo - Fancy Footwork
11. Bat for Lashes - Fur and Gold
12. Portugal the Man - It's Complicated Being a Wizard

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